The Boyahda Tree Project

It was a stormy Darksday when two adventures headed into the The Boyahda Tree with nothing more than their blades and jumbo-sized vat of melted Seblina butter. They were never seen again. Weeks later a Ranger Scavenged their footage from the marshy soil...

Not knowing what he had stumbled across the Ranger brought the footage back to his home nation of Windurst. Several Tarutaru in the Aurastary tried to recover the film but no form of magic was able to retrieve the data. The call was sent to the great engineer. The footage was sent over to Bastok and straight up to Cid's lab. He toiled over the footage for several Vana'diel weeks and finally was able to recover the film.
"ha ha, When are those Tarutaru going to learn that it is about manual labor not simple spell cast that solves most problems..." Cid who had viewed most of the film while trying to restore it called in the Mythral Musketeer and the Ranger who found the tapes.
"I think you should take a look at this, I think this is those two Adventurers that went missing not to long ago." The Ranger, and several other gathered in Cid's lab and queued up the film. The footage was not best, badly degraded from the mossy ground it had spent time in ground, but the start seemed to be the start of an Adventurers day....


"It's Darksday, I have no clue what day, but I think the year is 1035..."
"Yea 1035...come on let's go..." Two Adventurers an A very attractive Hume Red Mage and a cute little Mithra Samurai looked like they were standing outside of the entrance to The Boyahda Tree.
"No, I am not getting all the way there and finding out I forgot something."
"..."
"Food?"
"Got it.."
"Weapons, ammunition and the like?"
"Got it"
"15lbs of Selbina Butter and Fire Crystals?"
"Fire Crystals, got it..." The Mithra suddenly started to blush.
"Come on, *please* don't tell me that you stashed the butter in your Mog House again? I thought you already stocked up last time." There was giggling and sticking out of tongues. The two looked happy.
"I've got the butter, but it is only 10lbs worth. I was running low and I have a friend coming over tonight."
"You are not borrowing the camera after the last time, I am still trying get butter out of the some of the dials." There was more laughing and motions made. "Okay, let's go...Oh! you got a way to get home, I am not going to feel like walking off a Crab Boil."
"Yea I'm good."

The two entered the tree still laughing and poking fun at each other. The tape cut in and out a bit here, but it seems that they had made plans to get to top of tree. Soon thou it broke into a much darker tone. No longer was the group staring at the faces of two happy carefree adventurers.

The Samurai had her blade raised in battle as did the Red Mage what they were fighting could not been seen from the angle the camera was positioned.
"Nothing wants to stick." The Red Mage said, breath heavy. It seemed that she had taken allot of Damage.
"We'll be fine."
"I don't know it's just too fast."

The footage broke up some more or maybe the camera was getting tossed around.

"We have one shot to run away. When I say go we get the hell out of here." The Red Mage geared out and began casting a spell. The Quality was too bad to tell what spell was being cast. "Let's go!" The video shook wildly at this point before cutting out again.

"Where are we!" shouted the Red Mage
"I don't know." flushed the Samurai, both looked beaten, tired and sullen. "It is still behind us?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE, I THOUGHT YOU HAD A MAP."
"I NEVER GOT THAT COFFER."
"I think I hear something." The Red Mage look back around a corner. "RUUUN!!!!" both head off in different directions. The camera seemed to hit the ground at this point along with the Mage. She was down but not taken out. She dragged herself up and attempted to get one final cast off. Next thing she was running.

The footage cutout again. The footage came back in the camera was close on the Red Mage's Face.

"I don't know where I am right now or if anyone will ever see this, but I am alone, being chased but *it*. I don't know how much time I have, but *it* just won't leave. I lost my kitty. I have to go look for her now, but I don't know where *it* is." Her word were heavy and she was out of breath. She raised her head skyward. "Altana, please if you can hear me, I want to see my kitty again, I want to see Bastok again." Sounds are heard and a look of panic runs across her face.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she screamed "IT'S BACK AGAIN, WILL IT EVER STOP CHASING ME!!!" she runs with the camera bouncing around. This last for a few minutes and then the screen goes black. The black only last for a moment. We open to another place in the tree.
"Thank Altana I found you. I was scared that I would never see you again."
"..."
"Why are standing in the corner like that?" There was a crash and the film cutout once again, this did not seem to be the footage, just the camera went black.


The was a still in the room till the Ranger fled the room screaming, it was just more than he could handle. Iron Eater was the first to speak. "Is that all you could recover?"




Okay, okay so Slasher Kitty and I were seen again, but we did encounter *it* in the The Boyahda Tree and *it* is one VERY mean Crab by the way of Aquarius. We were feeling a little cocky after taking down a certain Buffalo name Bonnacon we thought that a Crab was going to be nothing much, but let me tell you kiddies, that crab raped us hard. He did not even bother to use all that Selbina Butter that Slasher Kitty was carrying around with her(and no, she does not carry it around because we fight allot of crabs). Aquarius and his "Hundred Claws" made chopped meat out of us, but we dusted ourselves off and eliminated a few hundred Steelshells as revenge.

For Al Zahbi?

I have gained a strong love/hate relationship with Besieged. I so much want to do my Red Mage duty and defend Al Zahbi, but besieged leaves alot to be desired. So why oh why do I keep finding myself in Al Zahbi trying to see through the hellish Lag and attepmting to do anything even though I feel like I do nothing. So I sit down in next to HQ Warp Taru(I loathe him, but I have to do what I can) doing alittle money laundering of my own and I think why do people Besiege. Are they truly there for the honor of defending Al Zahbi from the beastman hordes? Do they just have nothing better to do? I feel a vibration from my hip and see that I have recieved a message. It is from a friend in Al Zahbi, the words are chilling: "They are coming again...."

Being a Red Mage who demands answers I grab some Parchment, Black Ink and pulled a feather from my hat and started to ask around while I waited for the Undead Swarm to break through the Gates of Al Zahbi. I pestered anyone who would stop and talk to me, and I found that no one really gives a shit about Al Zahbi, the desire to besieged is all of a Me, Me, Me affair.


Group One: Nobody Loves Me

First Person I asked was a Dragoon, he was elvaan so the eye was natually drawn to him. He just sort of looked at me and laughed. "This is the only way I can get EXP, I am not lucky like a RDM who barley has to put their flag up to get a party invite. To me this is just a way to actually get to stick my Lance into something." His Wyvern, Rover was sitting obediently by his side, seemed to perk up at the idea of actually geting to kill someting. "I really don't care much about Al Zahbi, I mean this place really needs better security, they can't keep relying on us to keep this place safe."

As I was gathering my notes together from the Dragoon, I tripped over something. I looked down to find I had just stumbled over a tarutaru Dark Knight. After I apologized I ask, "Waiting for your chance to defend Al Zahbi?"
"I don't give a flying Galka about Al Zahbi." he laughed "No one loves the Dark Knight, it has been so long since I have gotten to bloody my blade that I crave the thrill of the fight."
"I like Dark Knights..."
"You are a rare one Miss, I can sit waiting for a Party to ask me for days, Besieged is the only way that I can level, and even in here I have to go at it solo..." He walked away in a huff. 'The Plight of the Dark Knight' I thought to myself. Tragic....

It would seem that no one loved Al Zahbi, or cared for the tiny Warp Taru who is often subjected to {Rear} {Hole} {Penta Thrust} by a burly Troll Destroyer who likes to sing show tunes, No wonder he never gets a chance learn how to Warp people correctly. I was wondering around looking for more people to talk to about this curious situation when I heard a commotion coming from a remote corner of Al Zahbi. I figured that Beastmen had found a way to sneak in, so I buffed up and ran to the commotion. All that I found was a group of Mithra Puppetmasters who were "Dancing" for Clink-Clink. I stood back and watched and waited for them to take a break. Once things calmed down I spoke to the leader of the trio.


"Maybe I will talk to you, but I need prrrretty shiney coin to talk to you." I dug deep in my pockets and pulled out a Mythril Coin. "Oooooo Big Shiney, Sparky This nice lady get you Black Mage head." The puppet danced around for a moment.
"Hang on now, you get the Clink-Clink when I get some answers. Why are you here today, are you waiting to protect the citizens of Al Zahbi?"
"No, I am a Puppetmaster, and that means no one wants me and little Sparrrrky here in therrre Parrrties. So I besieged so I can get Ventriloquy." and with that said she snacted the coin from my hand and went back to performing her show.

I heard the same thing from countless Dark Knights, Puppetmasters and Dragoons. It would seem that they are the forgotten children of Vana'diel forced to defend Al Zahbi just to satisify their primal need as adventurers. I feel bad for this Rabid Maute Dogs scavenging EXP by any means nesacarry, but alas, I feel worse for the Warp Taru. These are not the stock that he needs coming to his aide. I think that I will buy him some Goblin Grease next time there is some up at the Auction House. I think he is going to need it.

Group Two: Greed

There has to be more than just the forgotten children of Vana'diel here. I look around me and I see hundreds of people who not the forgotten children. I know that these people obviously don't have trouble getting parties, so maybe they are here to proctect Al Zahbi, to protect the Warp Taru.

I started to wonder around looking from one of these people that I could ask when I saw a Galka holding a tarutaru against the wall. Before I charged in to help I stood back and listened.
"Tell me little smart guy, how much I get?"
"Ouchie-wowchi...." I am not sure if the taru could breath "You do everything you can and you will get the max, about 1800 or so. It depends." The Galka dropped the Tarutaru.
"Now see little smart guy, was that so hard."
"Put me down you brute, you better hope you don't get charmed, because if you do I will Burst II you into obvlion." The Galka dropped the Taru and he went running off.

"Ready to defend Al Zahbi my good monk?"
"I am ready to get rich."
"Come again?"
"This weak Empire is going to make me rich, because they need us to defend their walls. I mean it is not like I am going to lay my life down for honor or any of that garbage. I am a Galka, and we Galka have suffered enough at the hands of lazy Humes and Elvaan, and don't get me started on those Taru, they have messed up their country so much by aligning with those bird-men."
"How does one get rich fighting? I mean this is not our usual escaped where there is untold riches lying in every corpse we create."
"Eh, just like those Rat-dogs running around here I am after the 'Clink-Clink'. I have a man in Nashmau who will lead me to untold riches for the Clink-Clink."
"What about poor Shihu-Danhu, don't you think that it is your job to protect him?"
"Who? and Why?, if the Empire was worried about protecting their people they would have secured the gates long ago. Miss all I want to get is to get enough standing in this joke of a battle to get the 'Clink-Clink' I need to fleece those Hume, Elvaan and Taru fools out of their gil."

Poor Shihu-Danhu. I think I will buy him two pots of Goblin Grease. While I was thinking about poor Shihu a siren went off to alert the another beastmen horde has begun their plans to strike Al Zahbi. This should cause a massive sigh of disgust, but alas an Elvaan was jumping for joy next to me.

"WOOHOO, I AM GOING TO GET RICH OFF THAT LAZY PUPPETMASTER. THANK YOU BEASTMEN!!!"
"Cheering beastmen on, do you have no shame. I would think a fine Elvaan(black hair, nice eyes) like yourself would have better values."
"Hey Lady, it's because of these beastmen that I am able to look so good. There is some dumb Puppetmaster back in the safe zone that is jonsin for a Valoregde frame to turn his little doll into a slash and dice Roppi Doll, and to that he needs coin. I told him that for the right price I would over look his cowardness and get him the coins he needs. I see a Haubrek in my future."

I walked over to Shihu-Danhu and patted him on the back. I asked how his wounds were healing and he said one simple thing "Why do you think I am always standing?" Poor kid, too bad his asshold brother ran him out of the safe zone. I could not handle the greed surrounding me. So I sat off to find if there was anyone who was willing to defend Al Zahbi, No if there was anyone willing to defend the Warp Taru!!!!

Group Three: Skillers

For the many time that I have laid spell and blade up in the defense of Al Zahbi there have been one group of leeches that has always intrigued me. Those lowly youngsters who can do nothing of value to defend Al Zahbi. Why are they here for what reason do they come to die?

I have found that these fools tend to stay in packs chatting in Linkshells about farming behive cheaps so they get there next spell. I stumbled, literly stumbled over a Tarutaru BLM. I looked her over and noticed that she was hiding the level she achieved, but she was wearing a Seer's Robe(not even the HQ one).
"Say kiddo, did you have a hard defeating Maat?"
"Who?"
"You know Maat, the creepy old guy in Jeuno who wants you to go pick up drugs for him."
"Oh, him. I heard people in my linkshell talking about him, but I myself have never meet him." Oh how I longed to play a rousing game of "Punt the Taru" right then.
"You've never met Maat, but you are here to defend Al Zahbi, what can the likes of you do to help my friend Shihu-Danhu out?"
"Defend Al Zahbi, nah. I am here for the skills. The beastmen hordes will help me to hone my skills in Elemental and Dark Magic. If I am lucky there will be some squisy Puks that I cast Dia on to help out Enfeebling Magic." I checked my watch to see that by the time the beastmen made it here it would be Lightsday. *note to self: Burn Down Windurst*


I could not tolerate, I just walked away. I mean, I am a Red Mage, and know that the beastmen horde that is slowly advancing will help me to hone my skills, but alas I am here to defend Al Zahbi, and to defend my friend Shihu-Danhu, but when I lay down my blade it penetrates the flesh of evil with divine justice. When I raise my voice in mighty cast I know that whoever is at the other end of it will be hurting for many days to come. I feel pride in healing the wounds of and the Sky and Galeserpent Generals whose cause I have taken up banner to fight, but alas it was not just one Black Mage, but many. Even White Mages who have taken the vow to do no harm and to heal the wounded were chatting away about honing there Diving Magic. Even my own kind. The Red Mages, Red Mages who cannot even raise up a fallen comrade giddy over what they will obtain in todays onslaught.

I lowered my head in shame, put down my parchments and began to walk the streets of Al Zahbi. I stopped by the Guilds to see Guildmasters' securing their Anvils and Axes. I went to the Chocobo Stable to see the stablemaster preparing who flock, for she knows that with no adventurer prepared to stand in fight for Al Zahbi it maybe some time before she strokes there soft plume again. I walk up Ulthalam's Parade to see a the daughter of the Dice Vendor crying as she is pulled away to safety. Where are the adventurers to see this moment. A child who wonders if their mother will return home at the end of the day. Vendor after vendor packing away their ware, not knowing if they will have the joy of opening their shops again tomorrow. I head to the Bastion, Ground Zero one might say and gaze upon the Generals, poised and ready for battle. Waiting to defend Al Zahbi, waiting to lay down their lives for the people. I stare alittle longer at the Skyserpent. His Beauty will too soon be marred by the Hammer of a Troll. Finally I go back Shinu-Danhu and look him trying to stow himself safely in the crates he calls him home. I must wonder why he stays, why not Flee away from Al Zahbi, give up magic, but no, this is his Home.

I hear the final siren blare as the gates to the bastion come crashing open. The voice of the Skyserpent ringing in my ears. I raise up blade and charge forward into battle.

For Al Zahbi?

No.

~*~*~FOR THE WARP TARU!!!!!~*~*~

Mega-Monk Kitty Gets his Eight Fist of Death!!!

Today kiddies we take a peek behind the Mog House door of our favorite Monk Kitty. He(yes, the mighty manthra he is) has been busy as of late, and upon reaching level 71 he went to see a man about some knuckles. Our boy put those knuckles through hell, so much hell he actually broke them. He tried to collect the pieces, but have you ever tried to wood shards our of crab shell? Yea, not so much. So he went back to Oggbi expecting to get a Red Mage sized ass whipping for breaking the knuckles, but Oggbi was actually pretty happy. He stole the knuckles back from our Monk Kitty and gave him some "guides" so he could be rewarded. Thinking he got jipped, but never wanting to pass up and opportunity for loot he made his way down to the Bostaunieux Oubliette.

Now, never fear kiddies our Monk Kitty may be a mindless beater in party, but he has sense when it really counts. Joining the PT was Slasher Kitty, Everyone's Favorite Red Mage and introducing Psycho Elvaan Monk Pirate, PEMP for short.. We made our way to San 'd Oria and I pulled on my high waders, because well, RDM AF is Dry Clean only and I do not fathom explaining to my Galka Dry Cleaner why he has to clean poo water out of my shorts. Once we made it down the bowels of the Bostaunieux Oubliette, all the while listening to a Psycho Elvaan Monk Pirate screaming "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" while running through poo water, we found that X, well ??? that marks the spot. Before we pulled out our shovels we had to do alittle Bloodsucker removal, PS, anyone wanna be a summoner, One Carby Ruby to anyone who can make here in time. So once we took care of the little Leech problem Monk Kitty shoved his shovel into the mark and all he got was one rather pissed off skeleton who was none to happy to find a shovel inserted into his pelvic bone.

*hits play on the "Benny Hill" chase music"

Psycho Elvaan Monk Pirate ran in an began to beat the beat the livening shit out this pissed off boner, Slasher Kitty in normal fashion lined up to do if from behind and once she had her rubber glove on she unloaded a huge can of whoop ass on it. Somewhere during this all hell broke loose and thus the Benny hill chase seen begun. I think at some point I actually saw the skeleton wearing a bra and panties when he did hell slash. PEMP was the first to drop, laughing all the way to the floor. Next was our faithfull Monk Kitty and then Slasher Kitty learned just what poo water tasted like. Soon it was down to me and boner, and let me just say, this Skelly is "different" Chainspell + Cure IV made no dent in him, cept to maybe dislodge the shovel from the his pelvic bone. The shovel which he proceeded to beat the living hell out of me with.

*A Small note to my Dry Cleaner* You will be getting a big bonus at christmas.

I will remember from now on when I head the Bostaunieux Oubliette I will always bring towels with me. After getting everyone pulled up on the legde to air out bit we laydown a plan. This was about the time the leech problem decided to come back and to us that is an oppurtunity. So Monk Kitty dipped down and found the shovel and after rinsing some RDM Blood from it he shoved it back in the ground, and this time the Skelly popped out with shovel sticking out of his skull and PEMP ready to beat it's ass hard, it turns out that Monk Relic is Dry Clean only and his dry cleaner is on cranky ass lil taru who is related to Shantotto. Slasher and Monk Kitty were given a few shots in, but PEMP seemed to have a bone to pick with him. Finally it bones crumpled to the floor and Monk Kitty was able get what he was really looking for.

Monk Kitty returned back to Bastok and was rewarded with his Asuran Fist, and now has his "Mighty Eight Fist of Death"(usually his own). Slasher Kitty went back to her Mog House and sprayed the chunks out of her SAM Armor. I bribed my Dry Cleaner with a fresh box of tarutaru treats. Oh, Psycho Elvaan Monk Pirate was recently seen Mooning Kirin and run naked in The Garden of Ru'Hmet screaming "weeeeeeeeee I feel the breeze!"

*All Hail Monk Kitty and his Eight Fist of Death, Congrats on Asuarn Fist*

*And if you see a naked elvaan in The Garden of Ru'Hmet, don't worry he is just proof that not all psychotics are dangerous.

Slasher Kitty gets her flower

It is once again story time kiddies. So grab a Ginger Cookie and Some Selbina Milk and sit down on the pillows to hear a story.

Once upon a time in a place called Vana'diel there lived many people, but there are only a few of those people that this tale outlays. This is a story of death and destruction that could of been avoided if people have some common sense. Our story begins with a very happy Samurai, we will call her Slasher Kitty, SK for short. SK had worked very, very hard slashing things, so hard in fact that a man named Jaucribaix gave her a very special gift, a Tachi of Trails. He told her that once she bloodied that blade enough she would be ready to unlock the potential within herself and be rewarded with an even better prize. Now SK was more than happy to go and bloody that blade as much as she could, and trust me, SK is very good at getthing things bloody. She toiled long and hard till that blade was so bloody it had actually managed to wash away some of the effects of the blade itself. Worried that she had broken the blade she took it back to Jaucribaix and he was actually very happy. He took the blade away from her and sent her on a treasure hunt so that she could get her very special gift.

Now SK had heard about these treasue hunts before and knew that she would need some friends to help out. The first Mog House door that she knocked on was her favorite Red Mage, who is always willing to go out and "hunt" things. Along with them also came Monk Kitty, The King(Queen) of the Black Mage's and Elfy. The group traveled to a dusty little hellhole known as Kuftal Tunnel and took the "Treasure Map" that was given to SK by Jaucribaix to the special spot and out popped a big mean beetle called Kettenkaefer. Now since we were short a certain White Meat Kitty who was off running scams in Aht Urghan this Red Mage stood back and kept the mob in check while the battle insued, but if the battle went smoothly we would not be here right now wouldwe? No, this is where the juices start to flow kiddies. See, we found out that our dear little Elfy is not too bright. Elfy had come to our little Treasue Hunt as his warrior, and our dear SK played Ninja Kitty for this, but Elfy did not understand that when he spams Mega Weapon Skill after Mega Weapon Skill without reguard to a Ninja Tank that his demise is close at hand. I guess it is true that when they make them strong they don't always make them smart.

Now I dear little Elfy forgot something else. This wonderful little thing called shadows. See kiddies, Elfy was sub Ninja with all kinds of shadows that he could cast up to protect himself, but do you think that Elfy would use his shadows to protect him?................................That's right kiddies, not a chance. Elfy used Raging Rush and took all of the hate away from our poor Ninja Kitty and never even tried to get them back up. Soon he used Steel Cyclone and it was the same story over again. So when little Elfy hit the dirt not a single tear was shed. The funniest part of the fight was our Dear BLM, who never pulled hate even once. Why, because our BLM is smart he cast his spells like a good boy so not to make the mob too mad at him. Alas it was our BLM that saved the day and took down the evil Kettenkaefer with his Spells of Boomaga. Slasher Kitty got the proof she needed to get her prize and this Red Mage took to raising silly lil Elfy.

Elfy though could not act like a big boy and say "oops, maybe I should not of done that..." No silly little Elfy cried "but that is what a WAR is supposed to do!"
"No!" shouted our SK, "you need to learn how to gauge your attacks and be smart about things"
"Well I think I am going to just quit WAR, because if I can go nuts it is not worth doing." With that a collective sigh of relief was let by WARs everywhere. Since the moral of the Story kiddies, Don't be a and Elfy. Learn your Job, know your job, and if you can't do that, Well learn to love the taste of dirt in your mouth.

~*~ALL HAIL THE KING(QUEEN) OF THE BLACK MAGES~*~

~*~*~GO GO SLASHER KITTY AND HER MIGHTY TACHI:KASHA~*~*~